Cellphone conundrum: devices destroying lives

Cellphones, such as the iPhone pictured above, are nothing but a nuisance and should be dealt with immediately. Well, sort of.
Cellphones, such as the iPhone pictured above, are nothing but a nuisance and should be dealt with immediately. Well, sort of.
Cellphones, such as the iPhone pictured above, are nothing but a nuisance and should be dealt with immediately. Well, sort of.

By Leah Devorak | Layout Editor 

You know what I hate? Cellphones. Here’s why:

1. They shatter and break. They make you lose two years’ worth of memories in about three seconds when they fall five inches to the floor as you’re trying to put the Christmas presents you bought for your family on the coffee table without anyone noticing. Unfair.

2. They also cost anywhere from $500 to $700 to replace if you want one that isn’t an indestructible flip phone from 2005. And it’ll be about $60 to $200 on top of that if it breaks before the contract with your phone carrier is up, and you try to trade it in to get one that actually works. (I know ’cause I just went through this.) Dumb.

3. If you try getting it repaired, good luck, because most repair guys aren’t actually successful. That will suck when the parts fail just days after you finally thought they were fixed. And then you’re back to No. 2: You have to shell out hundreds of dollars extra to get a phone that will actually work. Stupid.

4. And once you get the new phone, you have to buy a new phone case, new screen protectors, extended insurance – ’cause you’re sure as heck not gonna go without that again. And who knows? Maybe there’s a deal on virtual reality headgear or iPads that you just can’t resist, so you buy one of those, too. I mean, you’re already burning $1000, so what’s $50 more? And say goodbye to the $15 you just spent on the “Merry Christmoose” phone case with the picture of a moose adorned in Christmas lights on it, ’cause that sure as heck won’t fit the new gadget. Uncool.

They’re money pits. I hate cell phones because they are nothing but money pits, even though they’re essentially just twisted metal encased in plastic and topped with glass, like some sort of technology cake. And while cakes are definitely more expensive than bread, it seems a little ridiculous that cell phones are $500 more than toasters. They’re no longer some fancy technological revolution. Why hasn’t the price adjusted?

But the immense horror of the devices doesn’t stop there.

5. Cellphones are too big. I miss the days where my tiny Blackberry Pearl could fit into any pocket or any purse on planet Earth without falling out, just because it was that small. Heck, I could even shove it in my shoe or bra and still be completely comfortable. Try shoving an iPhone 7 Plus in one of those places, and you’ll regret it real fast. So now we have to hold our touch screen bricks because they don’t fit anywhere except in our hands.

6. This takes us back to the money pit conundrum, because cell phones’ mammoth sizes now make them even more vulnerable than ever to being dropped and broken. (Not going to lie here: I’m pretty sure this was done on purpose so that all the big phone companies can make a little extra money.)

7. Phone size also leads to social problems. People with tiny phones are picked on by everyone else even though that quality is no grounds for discrimination. All phones are created equal, and in order to finally eliminate the judging looks and “2004 wants its phone back” comments, we need to reconsider the emphasis society now puts on the largeness of cellular devices. All phone sizes are beautiful. Because of that, accept them all, and don’t say mean or spiteful things against anyone with one that isn’t common.

8. Phones are distracting. Sure, they’re fun for a few minutes when you first start stalking bae’s Twitter, but how much fun will you have when that attention causes you to walk into a fire hydrant or off of a bridge? Not much. It’s about time we call phones out for the health hazards they are.

9. On that last point, phones are consistently lowering the health of individuals everywhere by interrupting natural sleep patterns. You have a long day at work, so you go on your phone to relax. But before you know it, it’s 3 a.m., and you are just going to bed. And then just as you’re entering your REM sleep: Ring, ring, it’s 5 a.m. and some dude in Mumbai wants you to buy his company’s computer software. This is unhealthy – dangerous, even. Why the government hasn’t cracked down yet, I don’t know.

10. And the final blow to the worth of cellphones: hand cancer. You know it’s just a matter of time until we all get it.

So that’s why I hate cellphones, and I shouldn’t be alone. Screw all the convenience, ingenuity, creativity, helpfulness, speed and fun that comes from the devices, and forget the fact that I wrote this entire article using one. Cellphones are stupid and need to be dealt with immediately.

1 Comment

  1. Beautifully said. It’s not just hand cancer but early alzheimer’s, brain cancer, breast cancer, stroke, autism, and cell phone zombie syndrome. We are living in the very very dark ages where idiots walk around shamelessly doing what everyone else is doing. as Terrence Mckenna said, “culture is your enemy.” As Pogo said, “We have met the enemy and it is us.” Good bye human race and good riddance. We get what we deserve.

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