University announces sweeping changes, effective April 1

South Side Steps to be Replaced With Escalator

Duke Archive Photo ||| Escalator Photo via Wikimedia Commons ||| Edit By Seth Culp-Ressler | Features Editor

In a plan that’s being lauded by many students as “brave,” “long overdue” and “please don’t use this comment on the record,” Duquesne University recently unveiled a plan to replace the South Side steps with a fully functional escalator.

“We’re hoping the change will lessen the number of students being admitted to Health Services due to heat exhaustion and dehydration,” said a university spokeswoman, halfway up the steps, already looking worse for wear.

When asked if architects had considered the effects of inclement weather on the machinery needed to run an escalator, the spokeswoman responded with approximately twenty seconds of long, unbroken silence. It’s unclear if shortness of breath, a common side effect of scaling the stairs, was the reason for the response.

Students will be forced to find an alternate route to campus while the escalator is under construction, which is slated to take “a decade, at the very least.”

DuPo Purchases Fully Functional Armored Tank

Citing a need to effectively combat an increasingly libertine student population, a spokesperson announced that Duquesne University Police will be purchasing a fully operational M1 Abrams battle tank from U.S. military surplus.

Sitting atop the soon-to-be-purchased vehicle, the spokesperson simply commented, “WOOOOOOOOO!! LOOK AT THIS BABY GO!!”

The tank will patrol mainly on the outskirts of campus, according to a press release, which will help students by discouraging other forms of traffic on those routes.

“Let’s see anyone illegally park with this thing in their rearview mirror,” the spokesperson said while driving the 60-ton war-machine in circles around the Student Union roundabout.

Purchase of the tank will be followed with the acquisition of several other pieces of military-grade hardware, including SWAT-style uniforms for every officer, a surveillance drone and stun grenades.

DuPo plans to begin surprise combat drills all over campus once the equipment comes in.

Duquesne to Celebrate Anniversary by charging 1878 Tuition Rates

To celebrate the anniversary of the university’s founding by Spiritan priests on Oct. 1, 1878 with the purpose of teaching the poor immigrants of Pittsburgh, a Spiritan priest told Duke reporters Friday that the University would slash its current tuition rates of almost $40,000 per year down to 1878 prices.

“We talk about Duquesne’s proud history of serving poor students a lot, and it was getting kinda hard to stomach,” the priest admitted to The Duke. “I mean, you basically have to be a Saudi prince to afford tuition today, or sell a kidney.”

In lieu of coughing up $40K, 2017-2018 students will be asked to pay 34¢ per month or provide “a nice, shiny red apple” for their professor every week.

Students are incredibly excited about the announcement. Sophomore Jake Whatshisface told The Duke, “This news couldn’t have come at a better time. I was really worried I would be saddled with ruinous student loans for at least the next twenty years, and I already sold one kidney. You can’t sell both, right?”

New MBB Coach Revealed to be Just Three Toddlers Stacked on Top of Each Other

In a startling revelation, The Duke recently learned that incoming Duquesne men’s basketball coach Keith Dambrot is really just three incredibly coordinated toddlers stacked on top of each other.

“I mean, it kinda makes sense,” said Duquesne alum and basketball fan Ima Disappointed. “Who else but a toddler would want to saddle their reputation to a smoldering garbage fire like the Duquesne men’s basketball program? It would either take incredibly poor judgement or a lot of money, and with recent tuition decreases being announced, we know it can’t be the money.”

Duquesne athletics director Dave Harper was surprisingly accepting of Dambrot’s revelation, saying, “Well, at this point, the toddlers have my support. We can’t do much worse than we did this year. Maybe they’ll mix things up in a good way.”

Citing Possible Future Expansion, Duquesne to Purchase I-376

In conjunction with other recent land purchases, Duquesne University just went public with a deal to purchase the entirety of U.S. Interstate 376.

“Our goal is to future-proof Duquesne’s always-expanding campus,” a spokesman said as he gazed over the vast concrete ribbon of road. “We’ve already bought many buildings inland, so we decided moving Bluffside was the next logical step.”

A press release explained that buying the entire length of the highway will allow Duquesne to maximize construction of increasingly taller Living Learning Centers.

It’s unclear how the move will affect Pittsburgh traffic, but the spokesman was adamant in the assertion that gridlock in and around the city “really isn’t that bad, especially when you drive a tank.”

Hillary Clinton announces candidacy for open SGA seat

In a shocking turn of events, former Secretary of State and 2016 Democratic nominee for president Hillary Clinton, said that she will be running in the special election for SGA Vice President of Student Life.

“I believe that I can bring my decades of experience in the highest levels of American government to Duquesne’s campus,” Clinton said in a triumphant announcement speech.

“There’s no one who understands how young folks live better than me. Students can follow me on Facesnap and Tweetgram,” she added, while taking a selfie.

Clinton, who is a former First Lady, U.S. Senator, 2008 Democratic presidential candidate and first female presidential nominee from a major party, said she was excited to start campaigning once she determines where the university is located.

A Duquesne Police spokesperson said that in preparation for Clinton’s arrival, special precautions will take place.

“Look, we’ll be carefully monitoring campus for anything that looks remotely Russian,” an anonymous DuPo officer said.

Clinton is expected to easily win the election with polls forecasting a nearly 70 percent chance.

“Please Lord, I want to win something so bad. This one has to be easy, right?” Clinton was heard mumbling as she exited her announcement stage with “Fight Song” blaring.

Duke Archive Photo ||| Rapelling Photo via Wikimedia Commons ||| Edit By Seth Culp-Ressler | Features Editor

President Gormley Announces Plans to Steal U.S. Constitution for Book Research

Planning a sequel to his 2016 book “The Presidents and the Constitution: A Living History,” Duquesne President Ken Gormley announced his intentions to steal the U.S. Constitution for research purposes.

“I’ve watched ‘National Treasure’ enough times that I know I can do this,” said Gormley as he rappelled down the front of Towers.

With the theft scheduled for April 1, the 13th President of Duquesne will undergo intense training, including the dodging of lasers, knocking-out of guards and advanced stealth tactics.

“Some may question my right to steal the most important document in American history,” acknowledged Gormley as he backflipped over a spinning saw blade. “But as Duquesne’s president, it is my responsibility to serve campus, and only by the writing of this book can I bring honor to our school.”

“Plus, I hear there is a treasure map on the back,” he added, humming the “Mission Impossible” theme while applying lemon juice to a piece of paper in order to reveal invisible ink.

Duquesne Archivist Thomas White said that having the foundation upon which the most powerful country in the world has been built in Gumberg’s collection would be “kind of neat.”

Happy April Fools Day, Duquesne!

2 Responses to "University announces sweeping changes, effective April 1"

  1. Jess  April 1, 2017 at 11:30 am

    Fake news strikes again!

    Hilarious. Such a great Duke tradition. Well done!

    Reply
  2. Doug  March 31, 2017 at 4:21 pm

    Was entertained at first but it got way too cheesy with the tank. Should’ve made it sound more serious to keep the joke going and have more students share it. Now THAT would be a good April fools prank. This was meh

    Reply

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